


Apple Jam is an Insult to Civilized Wizards

by maypop



Series: Hogwarts Drabbles [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-24
Updated: 2011-07-24
Packaged: 2017-10-21 17:27:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/227737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maypop/pseuds/maypop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Hogwarts AU drabble. The kids are alright--for the moment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apple Jam is an Insult to Civilized Wizards

Apparently the wizarding world's response to tragedies like getting decimated by an evil dog thing who'd read about the Inquisition and decided it just wasn't deathy enough was to go hang out at their old school. And so Dave met troll wizards for the first time, at the tensest _hey would you stop admiring the blood spray thanks_ and _who licked all the icing off the cupcakes_ party in all of history.

The Interspecies Etiquette teacher had been eaten, and a year's worth of class condensed into a confused brochure full of color wheels and exclamation points, but the trolls settled into Hogwarts... alright. Apparently the trolls had gotten worksheets, full of helpful little statements like "Fill in the Blank: In Human culture, murder is ______."

The troll half sprawled over the Gryffindor table, rifling for the raspberry jam with increasing desperation, had filled in "4 V1OL4T1ON OF TH3 L4W" so Dave felt pretty okay pulling up next to her.

He proffered the apple jam mutely, to have it smacked away by a hand like a freaky alien switch your freaky alien granny told you to cut after freaky alien mischief while troll Golden Girls was on.

Everyone said Terezi Pyrope was destined for the Unspeakables, a deft stroke of natural oh this old thing I just threw it on irony that made Dave Strider burn quietly, and decide he was gonna make it into the Ravenclaw dorms one of these days when the Fat Lady was closed and he'd been too cool to come to Karkat's password briefing*.

He also decided that, if they all survived this unlikely confluence of horseshit slung in multiple varieties from all directions, Everyone was going to fly in the face of precedence and be right for once. If there was no place in a shadowy secret police for red plastic door-busting rainboots Dave wasn't sure he even wanted to play wizard anymore.

 

 

 

*It was possible to stand in the hallway and simply insult John Egbert until happening on the correct answer, but it was also possible to a) freeze to actual final death before you remembered enough Alternian zoology to guess which hideous animal had excreted John Egbert this week, b) get so caught up in your own amazing flow you didn't notice a teacher coming, or c) endanger the manly rapport between you and one of your best bros.**  
**lalonde bro is not a gender bound concept  
bro is in your soul right next to eros agape the doobie brothers and the person who pops a cap in your miserable ass when you overdose and are all lying in the gutter puking up wizard wild turkey and shaming the family  
dont let little jeanie see me like this  
though i guess in your soul maybe its next to  
I believe I take your point, Dave.


End file.
